Coffee Grinds..

Made my coffee, my filter failed again. Grinds ran through. Lovely. I'm drinking sweetened water. Finished my work in my job box already and now sitting quietly, well semi-quietly while Mads chews vigorously at her bone and I am thinking of this.....

For a good part of my life I was programmed to do and be like who I was told to be like. Follow society. Be who I am telling you to be, and the world will be a better place. For who? You?

I started cooking and cleaning when I was in 3rd grade. Had dinner made for my parents by the time they got home from work. Bath tub sparkling, couch cushions up, the smell of carpet fresh throughout(that is just the tip of the iceberg).Will they be impressed? My father could care less because he was probably living in the same world I was. My mom on the other hand, would glance around and wait for something to be out of order, either because of my doing or my dads. When we are younger I understand of the concept of trying to be molded to fit in that piece of the puzzle, but what if it's an ugly puzzle? Some puzzles have no meaning whatsoever. You look at it and say, why, what is the purpose of it? It has no life, it stops there.

What if I was "programmed" differently at a younger age? How would my life be now? Would I not sit and stare at my computer contemplating what or what I shouldn't write about, only in fear of what people will think? Basically, that is what my whole life is about. It needs to stop. I don't encourage my kids to be that why, so why the heck am I still living this hell? I am 40 years old and when I speak my opinion there are still people in my life who tell me that I am being mouthy and I should pipe down. Yes, ridiculous I know. Whose fault is it? Yes I know that answer again, me, me, me. I'm working on it. I'm sure I'm not alone though.

I just re-read this blog. I know it seems to jump back and forth, but once I get the hang of it it will flow a little bit better. There I go again! Eff.